Whenever I do couples therapy, neither one wants to examine themselves. “Fix the other and I’ll be OK!” They wallow in the universal delusion that LOOKING good is more important that BEING good. Half of us run around being terrified by the delusion that, if we admit the reality that “I am the chief of sinners”, God might find out and no longer love us, or that our sinful reality might be more that He can handle.
We try to minimize the coming consequences of our sin by comparing with others. We think that if we seem to be less sinful we must be OK. Like the pharisee who prayed “I thank God that I am not like these others.
We fear that whatever problem is revealed would have to be fixed by ourselves, and deep down, we know that we can’t even fix the tiny portion of our mess that we do admit to.
The disciples ran around saying “is it I?” when they should have said “If anyone would betray you, it would be I, so Lord what must I do to not betray you?”
Remember, THERE IS NO HOPE in finding out what part of your current mess you can blame on others. Tying your happiness and future to others changing is a guarantee of burnout and misery. As Einstein famously quoted, and I paraphrase, “If you come at life in the same way and expect a different response–you are insane” OK I know that we are all insane but by the grace of God we can take our thoughts out of the way and let his thoughts and ways take over and exhibit his sanity.
So when you catch yourself thinking, “Well it’s not all my fault, what about them?” Try and change it to “I sure hope it is ALL my fault because then God can help me fix ALL of it.” Unfortunately there will probably be some part of it that is others fault or just from living in a sinfilled world. Don’t wait for the other part to change before working on yours. Don’t give in to the temptation to believe that if the other doesn’t change there is no point to letting God help you with your part. Don’t beat yourself up when God shows you that your part is bigger than you thought. Do rejoice and be exceeding glad when God cares enough to show you. Do ask “Search me oh God and know my heart and lead me in new paths. Then rather than burning out fixing others who don’t want to change, you can share with those who ask that “In my life God has shown me and helped me change, so he could help you also.